Light My Fire
A few weeks ago, I sang 'Light My Fire' at a karaoke night at Mugsy McGuire's here in Carbondale. I don't know whether the song called in the magic, or the magic called in the song -- but either way, my fire has been blazing ever since.
It's hard to describe... so hard, in fact, that I almost didn't write this entry. Every time I try to put it into words, I find myself drowning in an almost manic burst of inspiration. So much passion, mixed with such strong insight... it takes a minute or two of concentration just to focus it all down into bite-sized chunks that are comprehensible to an outside observer. But I feel that I have a lot to share, so it's well worth the effort.
For over 10 years now, my life has been defined by my revolutionary passion. This inspiration has driven me to search my soul, change my name, reinvent myself from the ground up, and step out into the community on many occasions to speak out about what I believe.
Anyone who truly knows me has seen this passion at work in my life. It is the fire that animates me, serving as the inspiration behind who I am, what I do, what I think, what I feel, and who I embrace as my closest friends. Even my moments of rest, joy, and playfulness are understood as expressions of this ever-burning fire of revolutionary passion.
But on some level, this passion has always been... how do I put it? Not subdued, not suppressed, and not even controlled. But on some level, it's always been HELD BACK. It's been kept at a safe distance -- an almost impersonal aloofness -- and experienced through intuition and inspiration more so than the explosive outbursts of emotion that one would normally associate with such passion.
I think that this came about for two reasons.
First of all, I wasn't ready for it at first. I'd say that this inspiration of mine started really coming through in my teens, at a time when I had no idea what it was, no one really to guide me, and suburban surroundings that were actively hostile to anything resembling independent thought or creativity. I began developing a strong empathy, and a strong sense of purpose, but didn't know what that purpose was or how to hold healthy boundaries around my empathy. Therefore, I ended up willing away my emotions for a long time.
Second of all, my surroundings weren't ready for what I had to offer. What would the suburbs of Chicago have done with a young ecstatic pagan anarchist revolutionary? They probably would have given me psychiatric meds against my will and crushed what little spirit I managed to pull through those times of suburban isolation.
So, I put my passions in a bottle and cast them out to sea.
At first, they were simply gone, leaving nothing but a profound anxiety that something was missing from my life. But then, they began to re-emerge, and I started to incorporate their insights into my life bit by bit, still holding the actual experience of this passion at a distance as much as possible. After all, surely it wasn't safe, and polite, and diplomatic, and strategic, and proper to be so wild and fiery. Surely, it was enough for my inspiration to be an abstract spiritual calling rather than an intensely personal emotional experience.
That lasted for a few years. Then, I backed away from activism a bit for a few years in order to do some personal healing. Between my experiences at the healing school and my Wiccan clergy training, I learned a lot about myself and about the many paths to personal empowerment and healing. I started really feeling my most profound emotions, instead of just feeling a profound anxiety in place of my emotions.
Finally, a year and a half ago, I had a spiritual experience in which I let go of the final major barrier to embracing my heart's passion. Ever since then, I've felt various shifts in my life as I've started bringing more and more of that passion back into my body, my personality, and my social and community life. But it's only been within the past few months that it's really started to come through more clearly. And now, several new circumstances in my life are helping to bring it out further.
First of all, after quite a long stretch of solitude, I've found someone wonderful to go out with. I've only been going out with her for a couple of weeks now, but so far, I think we've both been having a great time. We have a lot in common, and it seems like we can talk for hours without running out of things to say. I'm still not used to having someone who actually reciprocates my affections instead of rejecting me, so I still find myself being polite and "maintaining boundaries" in moments when I could just as easily be showing her my affection. But I'm starting to get used to it, especially since she really does seem to like me too.
My time with her has definitely been the biggest news in my life for a long time. She's such a beautiful person, and I hope that we continue to spend time together and enjoy each other's company. Really, our time together has been so special to me that I'm almost hesitant to even write about other things, for fear of detracting from it. But then again, I'm complex enough to have multiple things going on in my life, so I may as well share the other news that's on the horizon.
I'm involved in a newly forming group called X. This group has its website at:
Basically, X combines personal inspiration and passion with community action and consciousness raising. We've put out a few Clues that offer insight into several of the inspirations for X, and we'll be having our first event soon. The details are still forming, and we have no preconceived expectations about how it's going to turn out. But whatever it becomes, it's already shaping up to be something amazing.
Really, what gets my attention most often these days is the new woman in my life. But when I do take the time to think back to community projects, I'm very excited about what X has to offer. It's fun and exciting, yet also offers a lot of potential for some very strategically important community work. Really, it's how I feel revolution should be -- a mix of spontaneous creativity and organized strategy. Together, our passion and our discipline can work hand in hand in pursuit of a better life for ourselves and our communities.
So, yeah... there's a lot of passion in this little old heart of mine these days. It's always been there, somewhere deep down, held back from the surface... but now, it's experiencing a dimensional shift of sorts, and coming through in my life more clearly than ever. It's not just a distant force any more that speaks to me through wild dreams and frantic intuitions. Now, it's ME -- my body, my emotions, my mind, my heart. I'm still plagued by the old habit of holding back my passions out of politeness and deference to others... and as always, there is still a place for propriety and discretion. But now that the flame at my core has been reignited, it's only a matter of time before all of the old patterns are burned away, and my life is truly lived according to the flame burning within.
I've said this before, but with each passing day, I feel it more clearly. I feel it more clearly because the flame within is burning more brightly than ever, and it's the flame that sets me free. No chains can bind me now; no walls can contain me now; no amount of corporate and government influence can convince me that the love in my heart should be extinguished. This love is who I am, and it's what I have to offer to the world. It is wild and untameable, and it's only a matter of time before I find myself once again reinvented by the burning of this flame within. Everything that is real about me will shine more brightly... and everything that I've held back -- everything that is holding me back -- will be consumed by the flames.
It's an intense experience... beyond anything that words can describe. But words are all that I have before me at the moment, so they'll have to do for now. Soon, I'll be showing it more and more through actions... in the meantime, I'm off to bed. I look forward to any responses you may have, and I look forward to sharing more soon...
