Saturday, August 16, 2003
Abundance Emerging
After a few weeks of rather intense-feeling chaos in my life, I've started to find my footing again. Given what I've been working through, that footing may soon be firmer than it ever has been before.
Essentially, I've been dealing with issues in my life that I've avoided for a long, long time - issues of who I am, how I feel about myself, and finding my place in the world. [For you chakra fans out there, these are 3rd chakra issues.] This includes the role of money my life, the anger/fear/frustration that I've been supressing in myself, and my tendency to deny any problems with all of the above by focusing on the positive and O.D.ing on fatty sweets whenever denial was impossible.
Once my money situation was temporarily thrown into chaos and my access to endless quantities of comfort food made uncertain, those dreaded 'negative emotions' that I'd been burying in my gut for years started showing themselves.
For example, when I finally accepted the fact that my laptop was stolen, I went home, took a pillow, and just whacked at a table in my house until I'd let out all the anger I could. This ended up being very healing, since I could then fill the space left by the released anger with love and acceptance. [I actually got the idea for this from the group process work we did at the healing school.]
It didn't always take something major to trigger it though. All of that anguish inside of me just recognized an opportunity for release and seized it! From deeply meaningful revolutionary rage to the most inane frustrations with everyday annoyances, I've been exploring some of my suppressed 'dark side' lately - and it's been quite a trip.
This ties in quite nicely with my earlier posts on darkness. If I embrace the 'dark' feelings, then I can transform them back into positive 'darkness', positive qualities and feelings - rage into passion, fear into love and concern, frustration into commitment and diligence. But if I continue to suppres them, they'll grow more and more rancid in the dank dungeon that I've fashioned for them.
Before I get any deeper into the dark though, I'd like to finish off with the very reason why I started this post - abundance!
The past few weeks have been a grand tour through some of my suppressed fears and anxieties in life - fears of scarcity, fears of abandonment, fears of failure. One or two of my recent posts have reflected that - I sure have been sinking into my work, eh? But now that I've gotten through the latest batch of 'processing' [working through an emotional/mental roadblock], I've returned to a renewed sense of abundance and hope.
Take today, for example. Due to the summer bus schedules, I ended up walking 3+ miles to the Farmer's Market to get my weekly dose of Farmer Steve's delightful ecologically grown produce, along with the International Grocery's amazing young coconuts next door. I also ended up walking back 3+ miles, for a grand total of over 7 miles of walking today! In my previous funk, I would have seen this as an unbearable burden, but today I was actually smiling and happy as I carried my food home.
Why? Abundance!
First of all, I had the mindset of abundance. My thoughts weren't on what I don't have; they were on the wonders of what I do have, and the confidence that the Earth has enough for me to get by on. And I'm not talking supression of the negative here! It was a long walk, and I had plenty of time to think about why we don't have better public transportation and such. I was just plain happy about my 'food gathering' without needing to push away the negative.
Second, my budgeting has gotten to the point where I can eat good foods without worrying about overspending or undereating. I knew that I would be walking home with some incredibly delicious and nutritious food, especially the long-awaited coconuts, so I was more than a bit happy.
So even as the roller coaster ride continues [and it surely will], it's a journey that's very dear to my heart, and I've once again come to embrace that fact. I've got a fridge full of delicious food, I've got small amount of last week's paycheck set aside in the bank for upcoming expenses, and I know that I can build now on a foundation that I was largely lacking in the past.
In other words, even as I've gone deeper into my problems, life has only gotten better! Isn't it funny that way? It's enough to renew my hope for the world... this all ties in quite nicely with my Warrior Healer studies, but that's a whole nother blog entry coming soon to a treesong.org near you!
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Essentially, I've been dealing with issues in my life that I've avoided for a long, long time - issues of who I am, how I feel about myself, and finding my place in the world. [For you chakra fans out there, these are 3rd chakra issues.] This includes the role of money my life, the anger/fear/frustration that I've been supressing in myself, and my tendency to deny any problems with all of the above by focusing on the positive and O.D.ing on fatty sweets whenever denial was impossible.
Once my money situation was temporarily thrown into chaos and my access to endless quantities of comfort food made uncertain, those dreaded 'negative emotions' that I'd been burying in my gut for years started showing themselves.
For example, when I finally accepted the fact that my laptop was stolen, I went home, took a pillow, and just whacked at a table in my house until I'd let out all the anger I could. This ended up being very healing, since I could then fill the space left by the released anger with love and acceptance. [I actually got the idea for this from the group process work we did at the healing school.]
It didn't always take something major to trigger it though. All of that anguish inside of me just recognized an opportunity for release and seized it! From deeply meaningful revolutionary rage to the most inane frustrations with everyday annoyances, I've been exploring some of my suppressed 'dark side' lately - and it's been quite a trip.
This ties in quite nicely with my earlier posts on darkness. If I embrace the 'dark' feelings, then I can transform them back into positive 'darkness', positive qualities and feelings - rage into passion, fear into love and concern, frustration into commitment and diligence. But if I continue to suppres them, they'll grow more and more rancid in the dank dungeon that I've fashioned for them.
Before I get any deeper into the dark though, I'd like to finish off with the very reason why I started this post - abundance!
The past few weeks have been a grand tour through some of my suppressed fears and anxieties in life - fears of scarcity, fears of abandonment, fears of failure. One or two of my recent posts have reflected that - I sure have been sinking into my work, eh? But now that I've gotten through the latest batch of 'processing' [working through an emotional/mental roadblock], I've returned to a renewed sense of abundance and hope.
Take today, for example. Due to the summer bus schedules, I ended up walking 3+ miles to the Farmer's Market to get my weekly dose of Farmer Steve's delightful ecologically grown produce, along with the International Grocery's amazing young coconuts next door. I also ended up walking back 3+ miles, for a grand total of over 7 miles of walking today! In my previous funk, I would have seen this as an unbearable burden, but today I was actually smiling and happy as I carried my food home.
Why? Abundance!
First of all, I had the mindset of abundance. My thoughts weren't on what I don't have; they were on the wonders of what I do have, and the confidence that the Earth has enough for me to get by on. And I'm not talking supression of the negative here! It was a long walk, and I had plenty of time to think about why we don't have better public transportation and such. I was just plain happy about my 'food gathering' without needing to push away the negative.
Second, my budgeting has gotten to the point where I can eat good foods without worrying about overspending or undereating. I knew that I would be walking home with some incredibly delicious and nutritious food, especially the long-awaited coconuts, so I was more than a bit happy.
So even as the roller coaster ride continues [and it surely will], it's a journey that's very dear to my heart, and I've once again come to embrace that fact. I've got a fridge full of delicious food, I've got small amount of last week's paycheck set aside in the bank for upcoming expenses, and I know that I can build now on a foundation that I was largely lacking in the past.
In other words, even as I've gone deeper into my problems, life has only gotten better! Isn't it funny that way? It's enough to renew my hope for the world... this all ties in quite nicely with my Warrior Healer studies, but that's a whole nother blog entry coming soon to a treesong.org near you!
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