Wednesday, January 21, 2004
Unbreak My Heart -- Part I
Here's the latest on Stage Number 47 Million of my effort to heal myself and thus also learn how to heal the planet:
When I was going through adolescence -- sometime between the ages of 10 and 14 -- I had what I feel is an uncommon experience. Simply put, I consciously willed myself to stop having emotions.
For most of us, it's easy to believe that it was the world that "made us" shut down our emotions. Maybe someone hurt us a long time ago and we started shielding our heart for fear of another betrayal. Maybe we felt an impulse that we thought wasn't appropriate and held back our true feelings because of it. Whatever the details were, most of us believed that it was the world's fault -- that something bad happened to us, and that the bad event was what "made us" guard or hold back our feelings.
I blamed the world in this way for the longest time. However, a little self-exploration eventually reminded me that it had been a conscious choice on my part. By the time I'd reached adolescence, I'd watched plenty of sci-fi movies with superhuman robots that felt no human emotion. As my feelings churned out of control, I would often sit alone trying to figure out what to do about it. One day, I decided that I would will them to go away entirely so that I could become a robot.
It wasn't as vivid or exciting as my lifelong Superman fantasies -- but for better or worse, it worked. Even in that moment, I felt my emotions pull back a bit. Over the next few years, the process continued. Even as my inner turmoil increased exponentially, it was always held back, kept under control so that I wouldn't be further paralyzed by anxiety or lash out in a moment of rage. There were still some moments in life when I felt safe about having feelings -- during computer games, tv, movies, the better moments with family and friends -- but on the whole, I had succeeded in holding back my emotions even from myself.
On an energetic level, I had basically gutted myself. There were other problems going on at the same time, but when it came to holding back my genuine feelings, the front aspects of my second, third, fourth, and fifth chakras were simply crushed in the process. Once the choice was made, it was no longer a conscious choice -- I literally COULDN'T feel or communicate in an authentic, personal way anymore, even if I wanted to.
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When I was going through adolescence -- sometime between the ages of 10 and 14 -- I had what I feel is an uncommon experience. Simply put, I consciously willed myself to stop having emotions.
For most of us, it's easy to believe that it was the world that "made us" shut down our emotions. Maybe someone hurt us a long time ago and we started shielding our heart for fear of another betrayal. Maybe we felt an impulse that we thought wasn't appropriate and held back our true feelings because of it. Whatever the details were, most of us believed that it was the world's fault -- that something bad happened to us, and that the bad event was what "made us" guard or hold back our feelings.
I blamed the world in this way for the longest time. However, a little self-exploration eventually reminded me that it had been a conscious choice on my part. By the time I'd reached adolescence, I'd watched plenty of sci-fi movies with superhuman robots that felt no human emotion. As my feelings churned out of control, I would often sit alone trying to figure out what to do about it. One day, I decided that I would will them to go away entirely so that I could become a robot.
It wasn't as vivid or exciting as my lifelong Superman fantasies -- but for better or worse, it worked. Even in that moment, I felt my emotions pull back a bit. Over the next few years, the process continued. Even as my inner turmoil increased exponentially, it was always held back, kept under control so that I wouldn't be further paralyzed by anxiety or lash out in a moment of rage. There were still some moments in life when I felt safe about having feelings -- during computer games, tv, movies, the better moments with family and friends -- but on the whole, I had succeeded in holding back my emotions even from myself.
On an energetic level, I had basically gutted myself. There were other problems going on at the same time, but when it came to holding back my genuine feelings, the front aspects of my second, third, fourth, and fifth chakras were simply crushed in the process. Once the choice was made, it was no longer a conscious choice -- I literally COULDN'T feel or communicate in an authentic, personal way anymore, even if I wanted to.
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