Monday, July 19, 2004
Perseverance
It's hard to know what to say at this point.
My life is filled with so many "paradoxes" that I can hardly wrap my mind around it all. It's as though in order to find integration and healing, I need to experience my two extremes of bliss and torment at the same time! It's so hard to put into words, but I feel driven to do so, so here goes.
Releasing my past wounds has brought my heart so much more freedom and joy, but it's also brought me the capacity to deal with the most basic "attachments" or cravings that have haunted humanity throughout the ages. Can I eat an entire feast without satisfying my hunger, or do I feel full before I've even eaten my meal? Does the fear in my heart cause it to wither away whenever I'm not bathed in the affection of others, or does the love in my heart grant me the courage to love freely and fully without waiting to see how much support I'll receive in return? Basically, do I look to the outside world for strength and fulfillment in life, or do I look to the Divine within?
These are big questions. I'm not just thinking about them -- I'm EXPERIENCING them in every cell of my being. And I still haven't found all of my answers.
On the one hand, I feel very blessed. I've come a long way in life, and I've had my share of good fortune. I've found many sources of inspiration and fulfillment -- my activism, my spiritual life, my Coven, my friends, my family, and even my community on a good day. And yet, I still have so far to go, and feel at times like the journey simply grows more challenging with each step I take.
I feel like I've gone through several phases in life, each with a different attitude about my journey here on Earth.
First, there was my early childhood. I don't really remember this, so I don't have much to say about it right now.
Then, there were the years from childhood to adolescence. I don't remember this part of my life clearly. I had plenty of happy, wonderful, playful moments like most children with a fairly decent life do. However, I was also frustrated -- temper tantrums at home, trouble at school, a lot of anger at the world that I don't fully understand in retrospect. And yet, I was still "in my body" and "in the world." When I got angry, I threw a temper tantrum; when I was sad, I cried; when I didn't like something, I wanted to change it. I'm sure that I did my share of retreating into fantasy and holding back some of my feelings, but nothing like what I would do later. I wasn't quite at home here on Earth, but I wasn't actively rejecting life here either. I was just disgruntled.
By the time I hit adolescence, all of that changed. My inner life just kept getting worse and worse, and I wasn't prepared to live with it anymore. I made a conscious choice to crush my emotions. Somewhere, in some forgotten part of my soul, my feelings still burned -- but I used every ounce of my will to hold it all back. Eventually, it occured to me that the only true escape from these terrible feelings was death -- and that I had the power to make that happen. Luckily, for various reasons, that didn't happen. But still, I would characterize this time in my life as my retreat from life on Earth. If I'd have had just one more ounce of courage at the wrong moment, I wouldn't be here today.
Then, I turned outward in search of the roots of my pain. That's when things REALLY got nutty! I discovered the hidden history of humanity -- the senseless violence, domination, suffering, destruction, and so on. I began empathizing with other people who were suffering far more than I was, and I began thinking that the only way that I could feel safe in my emotions was to save the entire world from this incredible mass of suffering! I didn't put it into so many words, but I definitely felt it. If only I could create a utopia, it would be safe for me to have emotions and be comfortable in my own skin. Fun, eh? This time was a mixed blessing. It brought back my passion for life, and it brought me so many joys -- from ecological consciousness to the joy of helping others. And yet, it couldn't heal me fully because it left me with such a terrible burden on my shoulders. You might call these my days of life through self-sacrifice -- feeling that sure, I do want to live, but only if I devote the fullness of my being to creating the sort of world that I [and other] people could really feel safe in.
I feel like once I made that choice, I experienced a big, long period of "grace." So-called coincidences lead me to all of the people and places that would teach me more about my life's journey. I was still anxious and plagued with thoughts of leaving this world, but the grace of the Divine kept me here, even in moments when I could have easily gotten my head bashed in or otherwise been ruined beyond recognition. I feel like this culminated in a year of studies over at the healing school, which was a moment of both incredible joy and powerful transformation. Basically, it helped me to decide to live here in the now rather than in some future utopia.
This brings us to the current phase of life, which I feel has only come into full force just recently. So I want to live here on Earth, eh? Well then, it's time for me to LIVE! No more living in a holding pattern overhead waiting for my dreams of utopia to materialize underfoot. It's time to touch down on firm ground, no matter how rough the landing. No more drifting along on the fumes of fear and the winds of grace! It's time to be assertive -- to create a life for myself in the here and now -- a life that plants the roots of the best of my service to others in a firm foundation of personal empowerment.
So, that's where I'm at. I'm afraid it really has been a crash landing from a financial perspective. Basically, my finances are in ruins right now, and I don't think that I can do much at this point to make things better. But the flames that are burning all around me aren't flames of destruction -- they're flames of REBIRTH. And like the phoenix, I am ready to rise from the ashes. Even though my rebirth won't be complete in time to save me from a few unfortunate consequences, I've secured a new source of income that will help me to get out of debt. I've also completed the first full draft of my first full-length book, a project which I have high hopes for. Really, the life that is being burned away right now was just an illusion -- a dry, bitter shell that was only serving to suffocate the forgotten spark of life within. The life that is emerging from the ashes is the life that I've been waiting for -- a revolutionary life of great personal empowermentand my own reasonable role in support of the creation of better communities and societies.
This has been a long, long, entry, and I've got to get up early for work in the morning. Let me leave with these parting words. Whatever the coming weeks hold in store for me, I will persevere. Why? Because I've felt the joy of my life and the joy of this world. I still have my share of fear, but my love is stronger than my fear. No matter what it takes, I intend to stick around here for as long as possible to share ground my life deeply in this love and share it with my loved ones and all the world.
Oh, and one more thing -- I'm sure that I have Brighid to thank in part for the fire imagery and energy in my life. It's tough love, but much needed! And I get the feeling that soon enough, once the flames have burned away the last of my shell of illusion, I'll be drinking from her healing springs...
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My life is filled with so many "paradoxes" that I can hardly wrap my mind around it all. It's as though in order to find integration and healing, I need to experience my two extremes of bliss and torment at the same time! It's so hard to put into words, but I feel driven to do so, so here goes.
Releasing my past wounds has brought my heart so much more freedom and joy, but it's also brought me the capacity to deal with the most basic "attachments" or cravings that have haunted humanity throughout the ages. Can I eat an entire feast without satisfying my hunger, or do I feel full before I've even eaten my meal? Does the fear in my heart cause it to wither away whenever I'm not bathed in the affection of others, or does the love in my heart grant me the courage to love freely and fully without waiting to see how much support I'll receive in return? Basically, do I look to the outside world for strength and fulfillment in life, or do I look to the Divine within?
These are big questions. I'm not just thinking about them -- I'm EXPERIENCING them in every cell of my being. And I still haven't found all of my answers.
On the one hand, I feel very blessed. I've come a long way in life, and I've had my share of good fortune. I've found many sources of inspiration and fulfillment -- my activism, my spiritual life, my Coven, my friends, my family, and even my community on a good day. And yet, I still have so far to go, and feel at times like the journey simply grows more challenging with each step I take.
I feel like I've gone through several phases in life, each with a different attitude about my journey here on Earth.
First, there was my early childhood. I don't really remember this, so I don't have much to say about it right now.
Then, there were the years from childhood to adolescence. I don't remember this part of my life clearly. I had plenty of happy, wonderful, playful moments like most children with a fairly decent life do. However, I was also frustrated -- temper tantrums at home, trouble at school, a lot of anger at the world that I don't fully understand in retrospect. And yet, I was still "in my body" and "in the world." When I got angry, I threw a temper tantrum; when I was sad, I cried; when I didn't like something, I wanted to change it. I'm sure that I did my share of retreating into fantasy and holding back some of my feelings, but nothing like what I would do later. I wasn't quite at home here on Earth, but I wasn't actively rejecting life here either. I was just disgruntled.
By the time I hit adolescence, all of that changed. My inner life just kept getting worse and worse, and I wasn't prepared to live with it anymore. I made a conscious choice to crush my emotions. Somewhere, in some forgotten part of my soul, my feelings still burned -- but I used every ounce of my will to hold it all back. Eventually, it occured to me that the only true escape from these terrible feelings was death -- and that I had the power to make that happen. Luckily, for various reasons, that didn't happen. But still, I would characterize this time in my life as my retreat from life on Earth. If I'd have had just one more ounce of courage at the wrong moment, I wouldn't be here today.
Then, I turned outward in search of the roots of my pain. That's when things REALLY got nutty! I discovered the hidden history of humanity -- the senseless violence, domination, suffering, destruction, and so on. I began empathizing with other people who were suffering far more than I was, and I began thinking that the only way that I could feel safe in my emotions was to save the entire world from this incredible mass of suffering! I didn't put it into so many words, but I definitely felt it. If only I could create a utopia, it would be safe for me to have emotions and be comfortable in my own skin. Fun, eh? This time was a mixed blessing. It brought back my passion for life, and it brought me so many joys -- from ecological consciousness to the joy of helping others. And yet, it couldn't heal me fully because it left me with such a terrible burden on my shoulders. You might call these my days of life through self-sacrifice -- feeling that sure, I do want to live, but only if I devote the fullness of my being to creating the sort of world that I [and other] people could really feel safe in.
I feel like once I made that choice, I experienced a big, long period of "grace." So-called coincidences lead me to all of the people and places that would teach me more about my life's journey. I was still anxious and plagued with thoughts of leaving this world, but the grace of the Divine kept me here, even in moments when I could have easily gotten my head bashed in or otherwise been ruined beyond recognition. I feel like this culminated in a year of studies over at the healing school, which was a moment of both incredible joy and powerful transformation. Basically, it helped me to decide to live here in the now rather than in some future utopia.
This brings us to the current phase of life, which I feel has only come into full force just recently. So I want to live here on Earth, eh? Well then, it's time for me to LIVE! No more living in a holding pattern overhead waiting for my dreams of utopia to materialize underfoot. It's time to touch down on firm ground, no matter how rough the landing. No more drifting along on the fumes of fear and the winds of grace! It's time to be assertive -- to create a life for myself in the here and now -- a life that plants the roots of the best of my service to others in a firm foundation of personal empowerment.
So, that's where I'm at. I'm afraid it really has been a crash landing from a financial perspective. Basically, my finances are in ruins right now, and I don't think that I can do much at this point to make things better. But the flames that are burning all around me aren't flames of destruction -- they're flames of REBIRTH. And like the phoenix, I am ready to rise from the ashes. Even though my rebirth won't be complete in time to save me from a few unfortunate consequences, I've secured a new source of income that will help me to get out of debt. I've also completed the first full draft of my first full-length book, a project which I have high hopes for. Really, the life that is being burned away right now was just an illusion -- a dry, bitter shell that was only serving to suffocate the forgotten spark of life within. The life that is emerging from the ashes is the life that I've been waiting for -- a revolutionary life of great personal empowermentand my own reasonable role in support of the creation of better communities and societies.
This has been a long, long, entry, and I've got to get up early for work in the morning. Let me leave with these parting words. Whatever the coming weeks hold in store for me, I will persevere. Why? Because I've felt the joy of my life and the joy of this world. I still have my share of fear, but my love is stronger than my fear. No matter what it takes, I intend to stick around here for as long as possible to share ground my life deeply in this love and share it with my loved ones and all the world.
Oh, and one more thing -- I'm sure that I have Brighid to thank in part for the fire imagery and energy in my life. It's tough love, but much needed! And I get the feeling that soon enough, once the flames have burned away the last of my shell of illusion, I'll be drinking from her healing springs...
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