Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Valentine's Day Healing
In my time on this planet, I've experienced 27 Valentine's Days. And without fail, for the 27th consecutive Valentine's Day, I found myself completely alone.
I have a long-standing Valentine's Day ritual that dates back to my teenage days when I was in the midst of a life-threatening bout of chronic depression. It was obvious to me that I was going to be even more depressed than usual on this day -- that much was a given. But if I'm going to be depressed, then why not do it in style? So, every year since I was eighteen or so, I've treated myself a special dose of Valentine's Day sweets.
When I was a cooked foods vegetarian, it was a full tub of Haagen Daaz. When I was a cooked foods vegan, it was dark chocolate and a full tub of Soy Delicious ice cream. When I first went raw, I would use dates and almonds as a substitute for the sweetness and fattiness of chocolate. Finally, this year, I had access to truly raw chocolate, and saved a single truffle for this special night, to be eaten at the start of the usual massive binge on sweets and fats.
But something was different this year.
Even though I was alone again, I didn't find the day very depressing. In fact, it was mostly just a day like any other. For this reason, I may always remember V-Day 2005 as the day that Valentine's Day lost its sting for me.
I went for a nice walk just before dusk. When I realized that the western sky was too cloudy for much of a colorful sunset, I headed home and turned on the TV and the computer. Then, a truly amazing thing happened.
I didn't pig out on sweets!
Don't get me wrong -- I did have SOME sweets. I took a bit of almonds, a bit of figs, a bit of honey, and put them all in the blender with some water to make a smoothie. But I was barely even able to finish off a cup or two of this delicious brew because my body simply wasn't in the mood for sugar shock. I ate a great big green salad earlier in the night, so I actually ended up eating more greens than sweets! Even tonight, two nights later, I still have most of my dates left over -- an outcome that would have been almost unthinkable as recently as a year ago.
Two baggies of dates going uneaten for days in Treesong's kitchen? What's going on here?!?
To me, this is a sign that my relationship with "sweetness" really has transformed over the course of the past year.
When I feel like my life is lacking sweetness, I look for it in my diet. The greater my fear of a life without sweetness, the greater my consumption of sweets. So, whenever Valentine's Day or anything else made me feel a terrible lack of sweetness, I would consume massive amounts of sweets until I was on the brink of a diabetic coma.
When I feel like my life is sweet, any sweets in my diet are a pleasant addition to my life rather than a NEED that feels like the hunger of a vampire lusting for blood. I still have my moments of sweet cravings -- but amazingly, Valentine's Day was not one of them.
Why?
To be honest, I'm not entirely sure. But two reasons come to mind.
Number one, I've been doing a lot of healing over the past year. I did a lot of healing the previous year or two as well, thanks to the healing school -- but this year's work was much more grounded due in part to the foundational work at the BBSH. I've taken to heart a line from the Charge of the Goddess that has become a mantra of mine recently:
"If that which you seek, you find not in yourself, you will never find it without. For behold! I have been with you from the beginning, and I am that which is attained at the end of desire." -- Charge of the Goddess, Spiral Dance, p. 90
In other words, instead of looking for love outside of myself, I need to find it within myself first. And after years of trying to no avail, I finally seem to have achieved it almost effortlessly! I made no special efforts to "heal myself" or "maintain positive intent" on Valentine's Day. In fact, I did just the opposite -- following my own personal traditions out of habit, traditions that are rooted in the assumption that I need a ton of comfort food on Valentine's Day. But in a moment of Divine grace, I was almost fully released from the cycle of loneliness and self-affacement.
Then, there's reason number two -- finally coming across someone who I feel understands me deeply and embraces the love in my heart as fully as I do. It would be wonderful beyond words to be in a "relationship" with someone who I connect with so powerfully on such a heartfelt level -- but short of that, it's been very healing for me to have someone in my life who I can talk to about my feelings without fear of being judged or rejected. My courage about delving into the oh-so-messy world of feelings had been growing greatly before I even met this person. Now, I feel like the full power of my love is expanding in leaps and bounds as I reclaim my own feelings and my right to feel safe and empowered in the presence of my own heart.
So, my newfound comfort in the presence of my own heart is transforming my life in more ways than I imagined. On Valentine's Day, I didn't have to lean on my friend or anyone else for comfort. I didn't even have to lean on sweets! Without even trying, I simply found other things to do that honored my love for myself and continued the sorts of self-fulfilling activities that I practice on any other day.
On another positive note, I've also started a new Valentine's Day tradition -- giving away sweets! I gave half a dozen people at work [the Neighborhood Co-op] free pieces of raw chocolate. I also gave a piece to a friend of mine, and two whole pieces to the friend I mentioned earlier. I saved two for myself, so a bit of quick math shows that I gave away much more raw chocolate than I ate for Valentine's Day. What an amazing act for a former chocoholic! Apparently, my new Valentine's Day tradition is to share at least as much chocolate as I eat -- and since I don't have a "partner," I simply shared it all among friends, which is a tradition that I may keep even if I do have a partner in future years.
Now that Valentine's Day is past, and some of my greatest issues around it resolved, it's time to move on to bigger and better things. And so many things to move on to... between my work life, my community life, and my spiritual studies, I have more to do than I know what to do with! On the horizon, I have more hours at work, more computer time for the Big Muddy IMC, more time to help form the new Interfaith Center organization, and certainly more time and energy to devote to the mysterious new Project X that has just entered into my life.
So much more to do -- and yet, it's as though more time has appeared out of thin air to make space for it all! Now that I spend less time and energy on depression, anxiety, frustration, confusion, self-affacement, and recovery from pushing myself far beyond my reasonable limits, I've discovered that I have all the time in the world to make my dreams a reality. Sometimes, my progress feels very slow -- and yet, it's very REAL, very deep, like moving mountains an inch at a time through constant, steady pressure. I can tell already that this is going to be an incredible year -- and Spring hasn't even arrived yet!
Here's to the successes and lessons of the old year, and to the successes and lessons awaiting in the new. In the words of a chant I learned last year: "We give thanks for unknown blessings already on the way..."
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I have a long-standing Valentine's Day ritual that dates back to my teenage days when I was in the midst of a life-threatening bout of chronic depression. It was obvious to me that I was going to be even more depressed than usual on this day -- that much was a given. But if I'm going to be depressed, then why not do it in style? So, every year since I was eighteen or so, I've treated myself a special dose of Valentine's Day sweets.
When I was a cooked foods vegetarian, it was a full tub of Haagen Daaz. When I was a cooked foods vegan, it was dark chocolate and a full tub of Soy Delicious ice cream. When I first went raw, I would use dates and almonds as a substitute for the sweetness and fattiness of chocolate. Finally, this year, I had access to truly raw chocolate, and saved a single truffle for this special night, to be eaten at the start of the usual massive binge on sweets and fats.
But something was different this year.
Even though I was alone again, I didn't find the day very depressing. In fact, it was mostly just a day like any other. For this reason, I may always remember V-Day 2005 as the day that Valentine's Day lost its sting for me.
I went for a nice walk just before dusk. When I realized that the western sky was too cloudy for much of a colorful sunset, I headed home and turned on the TV and the computer. Then, a truly amazing thing happened.
I didn't pig out on sweets!
Don't get me wrong -- I did have SOME sweets. I took a bit of almonds, a bit of figs, a bit of honey, and put them all in the blender with some water to make a smoothie. But I was barely even able to finish off a cup or two of this delicious brew because my body simply wasn't in the mood for sugar shock. I ate a great big green salad earlier in the night, so I actually ended up eating more greens than sweets! Even tonight, two nights later, I still have most of my dates left over -- an outcome that would have been almost unthinkable as recently as a year ago.
Two baggies of dates going uneaten for days in Treesong's kitchen? What's going on here?!?
To me, this is a sign that my relationship with "sweetness" really has transformed over the course of the past year.
When I feel like my life is lacking sweetness, I look for it in my diet. The greater my fear of a life without sweetness, the greater my consumption of sweets. So, whenever Valentine's Day or anything else made me feel a terrible lack of sweetness, I would consume massive amounts of sweets until I was on the brink of a diabetic coma.
When I feel like my life is sweet, any sweets in my diet are a pleasant addition to my life rather than a NEED that feels like the hunger of a vampire lusting for blood. I still have my moments of sweet cravings -- but amazingly, Valentine's Day was not one of them.
Why?
To be honest, I'm not entirely sure. But two reasons come to mind.
Number one, I've been doing a lot of healing over the past year. I did a lot of healing the previous year or two as well, thanks to the healing school -- but this year's work was much more grounded due in part to the foundational work at the BBSH. I've taken to heart a line from the Charge of the Goddess that has become a mantra of mine recently:
"If that which you seek, you find not in yourself, you will never find it without. For behold! I have been with you from the beginning, and I am that which is attained at the end of desire." -- Charge of the Goddess, Spiral Dance, p. 90
In other words, instead of looking for love outside of myself, I need to find it within myself first. And after years of trying to no avail, I finally seem to have achieved it almost effortlessly! I made no special efforts to "heal myself" or "maintain positive intent" on Valentine's Day. In fact, I did just the opposite -- following my own personal traditions out of habit, traditions that are rooted in the assumption that I need a ton of comfort food on Valentine's Day. But in a moment of Divine grace, I was almost fully released from the cycle of loneliness and self-affacement.
Then, there's reason number two -- finally coming across someone who I feel understands me deeply and embraces the love in my heart as fully as I do. It would be wonderful beyond words to be in a "relationship" with someone who I connect with so powerfully on such a heartfelt level -- but short of that, it's been very healing for me to have someone in my life who I can talk to about my feelings without fear of being judged or rejected. My courage about delving into the oh-so-messy world of feelings had been growing greatly before I even met this person. Now, I feel like the full power of my love is expanding in leaps and bounds as I reclaim my own feelings and my right to feel safe and empowered in the presence of my own heart.
So, my newfound comfort in the presence of my own heart is transforming my life in more ways than I imagined. On Valentine's Day, I didn't have to lean on my friend or anyone else for comfort. I didn't even have to lean on sweets! Without even trying, I simply found other things to do that honored my love for myself and continued the sorts of self-fulfilling activities that I practice on any other day.
On another positive note, I've also started a new Valentine's Day tradition -- giving away sweets! I gave half a dozen people at work [the Neighborhood Co-op] free pieces of raw chocolate. I also gave a piece to a friend of mine, and two whole pieces to the friend I mentioned earlier. I saved two for myself, so a bit of quick math shows that I gave away much more raw chocolate than I ate for Valentine's Day. What an amazing act for a former chocoholic! Apparently, my new Valentine's Day tradition is to share at least as much chocolate as I eat -- and since I don't have a "partner," I simply shared it all among friends, which is a tradition that I may keep even if I do have a partner in future years.
Now that Valentine's Day is past, and some of my greatest issues around it resolved, it's time to move on to bigger and better things. And so many things to move on to... between my work life, my community life, and my spiritual studies, I have more to do than I know what to do with! On the horizon, I have more hours at work, more computer time for the Big Muddy IMC, more time to help form the new Interfaith Center organization, and certainly more time and energy to devote to the mysterious new Project X that has just entered into my life.
So much more to do -- and yet, it's as though more time has appeared out of thin air to make space for it all! Now that I spend less time and energy on depression, anxiety, frustration, confusion, self-affacement, and recovery from pushing myself far beyond my reasonable limits, I've discovered that I have all the time in the world to make my dreams a reality. Sometimes, my progress feels very slow -- and yet, it's very REAL, very deep, like moving mountains an inch at a time through constant, steady pressure. I can tell already that this is going to be an incredible year -- and Spring hasn't even arrived yet!
Here's to the successes and lessons of the old year, and to the successes and lessons awaiting in the new. In the words of a chant I learned last year: "We give thanks for unknown blessings already on the way..."
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