Song of the Trees

On Thursday, August 26, Big Muddy IMC will be sending a carload of reporters to New York City to cover the Republican National Convention for the people of Southern Illinois. I considered going along myself, but with so much transition in my life at the moment, including the impending publication of my first book, I am choosing to stay behind. So, along with the rest of the local supporters of independent media, I'll be stopping by the IMC to celebrate their departure and pass along my best wishes for their safe return. Mad Muddy Love to y'all for headin' out there!

For the latest news on their journey, you can turn to http://bigmuddyimc.org. If anything big happens, I'll post about it on my blog ASAP, if not sooner. In the meantime, they'll be keeping us posted at the website, along with some live remotes through the "morning talk block" on WDBX 91.1 FM in Southern Illinois. If you're looking for local coverage that goes beyond what the corporate media will be telling you, these are the places for you to turn!

In other news, my life is going through a lot of transition at the moment! My schedule at the Co-op is shifting around a bit, including a net gain in hours and some wonderful new work as a produce assistant. The final details of my book are coming together -- cover art for the front from my sister, text for the back cover just completed tonight, and some final revisions of the main text within the next several weeks. [Many thanks to my reviewers for their suggestions!] Once all of those last ingredients come together, it'll be time to publish! And, on Friday I have the big Interfaith Center 24 Hour Yard Sale to go to. AND, on Saturday, the first Saturday Night Live! of the semester is coming together. *AND*, also on Saturday, I'll be having my first night of Salsa dancing! Is it just me, or is my life starting to get as fun as a barrel of monkeys?

Finally, on that note, I must say that I'm feeling pretty darn good at the moment. I've got food in my belly, a roof over my head, meaningful work in the community, and plenty of prospects for the future. Sure, I still get frustrated and/or stressed out sometimes, but on the whole, life is looking good. It's a good thing I decided to stick around, eh? Anyway, sleep calls, so that's all for tonight, folks. But be sure to tune in next time -- Same Tree Time, Same Tree Channel!

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You know what? I wanna go home.

When I first started learning about the horrors of the world, I found it all very motivational. My own problems paled in comparison to the waves of suffering that I felt wash through every cell of my being as I connected empathically with some of the most tormented people and places on the planet. I couldn't help but rise to the occassion, engaging in a combination of writing, thinking, and small but impassioned activist efforts as I sought to turn my vision for a better world into a reality.

Somehow, it all seemed to click. The world was filled with suffering, and I was here to do something about it. It was terrifying, but I felt that I understood my purpose in life -- sacrifice in the service of the causes near and dear to my heart.

But after a while, it got old.

I still feel a commitment to helping others. In fact, I feel like that commitment only grows with time as I shed more and more of my own personal neuroses and discover more energy and love to contribute to "The Cause." So, as I've known for years now, this effort to serve the improvement of my community and society is going to be a lifelong endeavor. But at the same time, doing all of this healing has awakened in me a very healthy and natural desire to live an excellent life, surrounded by a loving community, situated in a truly free, democratic, and ecological society. And that's not where I'm at right now. So...

I wanna go home -- home, to a place that doesn't exist yet, and may never exist at all. Home, to a place where I feel safe, secure, accepted, and loved. Home, to a place where I can live in harmony with the Earth rather than having my very survival be dependent on various degrees of ecocide and homicide. Home, to a place where the contents of my mind and heart make me a beloved member of the community like any other rather than that odd person who has all of those crazy revolutionary ideas. Home, to the place where I can take a nap on a warm summer's day without having to worry about how many lives may be lost or ecosystems may be destroyed because I didn't spend an extra five minutes supporting some activist cause. Home, to the place where I can fall asleep in the arms of a lover who truly understands the contents of my heart.

Ahh... is it time to go home yet? I've been feeling homesick like this for a while now. At first, it was a very counter-revolutionary feeling.

"You know what? All of that focus on trying to save so many lives with such meager personal and community resources really screwed with my head. Maybe I should take a break for a few months, maybe even a couple of years."

But that was back when I still had so much healing to go through. Now that I'm feeling a bit better about myself, and I've cleared away some of my martyr complex issues around helping others, I'm much more in touch with my genuine feelings. And aside from some personal feelings that I won't go into right now, one of the biggest things that I feel can be summed up in a single word:

Revolution.

With these two eyes and this lovely mind o' mine, I've seen the potential for human beings to live together in true harmony with themselves, each other, and the Earth. Now, with my heart opening up more by the day, I feel an overwhelming desire to see this vision become a reality. That homesick feeling is transforming from a source of depression into a motivation for action.

I can FEEL what it would be like to be home. If I close my eyes, I can feel what it would be like to live a revolutionary life, to live in a revolutionary community, to create a revolutionary society in the shell of the current one. I can feel it in my heart -- not as some random fantasy, but as a very real possible future that is rooted in the circumstances and potential of today. And it's just as real to me as all of the suffering and oppression that exists in the world today. The more my heart opens, the more hope I feel, even as the world around me descends into a maelstrom of global fascism. Where there's heart, there's hope -- and my hope is growing stronger by the day.

So, I wanna go home. It's going to be a long road from here to there -- but the journey is definitely worth it.

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As some of you know, I used to live on Oak Street here in Carbondale. From what I've heard of local history, Oak Street got its name because at some point in the past, it was home to an impressive family of massive old oak trees. Most of the remaining trees were cut down a long time ago when they built the hospital and parking lot across the street from my old house. However, when I first moved onto that block about three years ago, I discovered a wonderful treat -- a single majestic oak tree that had been spared from the fate of its oaken kin.

For whatever reasons, the designers of the new lot decided to preserve this single oak tree by rerouting their fence to exclude a patch of grass about twenty feet square. They even put in a park bench for people to sit on in the shade of this gentle giant. Maybe they spared this tree because it was the biggest and oldest of the group. I must say, it would have taken at least three or four people to link arms to wrap themselves around this Mighty Oak. But for whatever reasons, there it stood -- a living memory of the history of the area.

I used to walk by Mighty Oak fairly often. It wasn't on my path to work, the Interfaith Center, or the Neighborhood Co-op, so I didn't pass by it every day. Out of all of these irregular visits, I don't think that I sat at the base of its trunk more than a dozen times at most. However, this tree friend of mine became both a source of grounding and a symbol of this land's relationship with the oaks. On more than one occassion, I came to this tree to ground, center, and gather my thoughts in times of great stress and turmoil. In this way, it played a similar role in my life to Leaning Oak, my tree friend by Campus Lake. After I moved to the opposite side of town, my visits to Oak Street and that area of town became much less frequent. Even so, I still walked down Oak Street occassionally. I suppose I took for granted that Mighty Oak would always be there. After all, it had surely been planted before my grandparents had even been born. Surely, it would outlive me by at least a few generations.

Well, tonight I had some extra time before visiting a friend on Oak Street. So, I decided to stop by Mighty Oak and do something that I don't think I've ever done before -- namely, leave a small offering at the base of this tree, as I've done at the bases of several others. As I approached the site, I kept looking overhead through the branches to see the trunk and bough of this majestic tree. But as I came to that familiar patch of grass, all that I found was a mound of dirt roughly the width of my old friend.

The Mighty Oak had fallen.

I still don't know what happened. Was it lightning? Surely it wasn't rot, because I don't remember seeing anything that serious when I stopped by a month or two ago. Surely it wasn't the wind, because half of the houses on that block would have blown down before Mighty Oak even bent. Was it cut down needlessly for to prepare for some new structure or parking lot expansion? I'd like to find some answers eventually, but for the moment I just don't know. All that I know is that one of the few trees who I've gotten to know personally in this lifetime is now gone for good. It's not just a loss to me -- its a loss to the history and ecology of the entire community. And now, I'm left wondering -- am I the only one who cares about Mighty Oak's passing? Am I the only one who even noticed?

On my walk down that stree, I had planned on meditating at the foot of this tree. Now, I had no gentle giant to lean on. I simply sat facing the mound of earth for a few moments, allowing myself to feel the sadness of the experience even though I knew that most of the silly humans out there in human land wouldn't understand my sense of loss. Finally, I tossed my offering onto the mound. Today's offering was a single medjool date -- which, coming from such a fanatical lover of sweets, is quite an impressive offering indeed.

So, tonight I said goodbye to an old friend. As I walked home, I felt a gentle reassurance that there will be other trees, and that I should take this as a reminder to introduce my friends to Leaning Oak before it, too, is gone forever. But even so, the thought of other trees sparked a twinge of heartache. Yes, there will be other trees, but this one was a tree that had a real place in my heart and my life. You may be gone, Mighty Oak, but you will never be forgotten.

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I like the word "liberation." I like it for a lot of reasons. One big reason is because it's a word that means something both in a political context and in a spiritual context. It's a central goal in both contexts -- and surprise surprise, the two forms of liberation are related!

Liberation is the achievement of complete freedom -- freedom from all constraints, freedom to live in perfect accord with one's own true nature. From a political perspective, this involves freedom from all outer sources of authority, with a freedom to engage in free cooperation, thereby creating the incalculable wonders of community life and participation in a larger society. From a spiritual perspective, it involves freedom from all attachments and illusions, with a freedom to embrace one's deepest spiritual essence and create a life in which that divine life shines through in every moment of every day.

So, liberation's big -- really big. Unlike a lot of people, I know in my heart that liberation is possible. It's not just possible -- it's the potential that we are all born to actualize!

From what I can tell, it takes a tremendous amount of energy to RESIST the inevitable tendency toward liberation. You can build a dam to slow or stop the flow of a river, and you may even succeeed in doing so for hundreds or thousands of years. But sooner or later, every ounce of that water will return to the ocean. Similarly, you can enslave the bodies, minds, and hearts of all of humanity for a few moments, a few generations, or even a few millennia. But sooner or later, we humans will find our way to freedom -- both political and spiritual.

In my moments of clarity, I feel this liberation more deeply and fully than anything else I've ever felt in my life. I can only describe it as loving non-attachment -- an experience of limitless love unfettered by any qualifications or expectations. I'm in love with the world, and no outer authority figure or inner inhibition has any power to constrain or diminish my love. Usually, I can still feel all of my everyday anxieties, preoccupations, cravings, and so on. But those cravings are diminished, and all importance that I place on them simply vanishes.

It's so hard to put into words, but here's an analogy. Think of yourself as lost in a forest in the middle of the thickest fog you can imagine. You can barely see your own hand in front of your face, much less the brush underfoot and branches just out of reach. Every step you take leaves you torn by thorns, battered by low branches, risking a twisted ankle or broken neck at every turn. You are lost, scared, alone, and surrounded by so many unknown hazards that you can't keep track of them all even if you walk at a snail's pace. And then... the fog clears! All of those protruding roots and branches that may harm you are still there -- but you can see them more clearly now. Even if you do slip and twist your ankle, it won't be the end of the world. Now that the path is clear, you are confident that you can find your way back home sooner or later, even though the path isn't clear.

That's an imperfect analogy, but it'll have to do for the time being. It's hard to describe -- remaning immersed in the details of my life and my world, perhaps more deeply than I've ever been, yet on a deeper level feeling completely free and joyful even as my ego self goes about its usual song and dance. It's certainly a conflict -- my body, emotions, and mind remaining caught up in these attachments while my heart and spirit start to transcend them. But at the same time, it's an incredibly liberating experience. I even feel like my flucuation between sustenance and poverty, friendship and lonliness, hope and despair, love and rage, has done a world of good in making this liberation possible. Because whether I was feeling one or the other, the Divine within and without me was always just as Divine as it had always been.

When I first started experiencing this liberation, it made me feel a lot of existential angst. So the petty human psychodramas that are the focus of 99% of my conscious mind are really just a steaming heap of bullshit? You mean it doesn't really matter whether or not I find true love in life, play my part in organizing a people's revolution, heal all of my wounds, or achieve any of my other great longings in life?

Basically, yeah. It's all living; it's all learning. Ultimately, the inner and outer struggles that I experience and identify with in life are pretty much just my own petty psychodrama that could just as easily be replaced with anybody else's psychodrama. In other words, it's all pointless.

But lately, on a good day, the tables have been turning [a Revolution of One?] , and I've been seeing the lighter side of this equation. It's not that my life is meaningless. Rather, the Divine is present in my life and my world even when I don't see or feel it! In my moments of good fortune and creature comforts, the Divine shines through in the joy I experience and in my search for a joy of the heart and spirit that endures beyond the comings and goings of material security. In my moments of poor fortune and suffering, the Divine shines through in the despair and rage I experience and in my struggle to create a world of greater love and liberation. Either way, the Divine is always within me, and the Divine always surrounds me.

All along, whether consciously or unconsciously, I've been trying to find my way "home" into the loving arms of the Divine. Oddly enough, it seems I never left!

I still feel like life is pretty nutty, quirky, and challenging -- especially since I still have this great tension between the feeling of freedom and love in my heart and the feelings of constraint and doubt in my body, emotions, and mind. But I feel like I've reached a turning point in my journey of liberation. In my better moments, I can recognize that my psychodramas in life are precisely that -- and also that the broader struggle for political liberation is more or less an archetypal psychodrama writ large. [In other words, our communities and societies are caught up in nutty psychodramas just like we individuals are.]

So, in my clearer moments, I feel... bah, there are still no words for it! My heart feels great hope. My ego self is still wracked with its attachments, but is listening more and more to the liberation in my heart. It's a very confusing and challenging place to be in life, but I also feel like I'm standing on the edge of an incredible source of personal and planetary transformation. If only I can embrace liberation fully, it'll change everything -- everything from my personal life to my struggle for the liberation of our communities, societies, and planet.

Here's to the hope that I learn to embrace liberation for more than just a moment at a time! If and when I do, I'll be sure to let you know...

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"Love and Rage" is a phrase that many anarchists and revolutionaries are familiar with. Due to their power, depth, and meaning, these can be two of the most revolutionary feelings that we can experience. Is it any wonder that these are (A) the two feelings that are manipulated the most by the mass media; and (B) the two feelings that are least understood in their most revolutionary forms?

Dividing feelings up into categories is pretty hard, but I've come to think of "love" as having three forms: affection, love [of the heart], and devotion.

Affection is a purely emotional feeling of personal pleasure and satisfaction. From a spiritual perspective, I'm thinking second chakra and the second level of the aura, aka the "emotional body." This is your enjoyment of a person or experience. Being in the presence of this person generally makes you smile, laugh, relax, or otherwise enjoy yourself. This ranges from the simple happy feelings of a good joke to the greatest intensities of sexual intimacy. It's the most tangible and immediate of the three feelings, but it's also the most impermanent. Tomorrow, their jokes might not make you laugh; their conversation might not fascinate you; their touch might not arouse you. In other words, affection only lasts as long as the other person can bring you pleasure. This doesn't mean that it's BAD! In fact, we could all use benefit from more of that emotional yumminess flowing in our lives. But it's a very specific type of "love" -- one focused primarily on you rather than the other person.

Then, there's what I call love -- or for clarity's sake, "love of the heart." From a spiritual perspective, this is related to the fourth [heart] chakra and the fourth level of the aura, aka the "astral body." This is more than just an emotion -- it's a relationship that you have with the other person. Your heart is open to them -- you truly care about them, independent of your own personal interests. This is the most deeply human form of love -- and yet, it's often seen as the most terrifying. Why? Because you are surrendering to an inner force that goes beyond your own ego. What if your love isn't reciprocated? What if they betray you? What if they actively hate you? When these things happen, love of the heart can literally feel like death because you've chosen to move beyond your ego and had it crushed in the process. But when it all goes well, this is the most beautiful and enduring love available to us. It's a force that has the power not only to change your life, but also to transform the entire world.

Finally, there's what I call devotion. From a spiritual perspective, this is related to the sixth [third eye] chakra and the sixth level of the aura, aka the "celestial body." This is transpersonal, trascendental, universal, divine love for one and all. As such, it's naturally the most enduring. However, it's also the most impersonal. It's not about you, and it's not about the other person -- it's about Spirit, the Divine, whatever you call it. If you're familiar with the word "namaste", then you're already familiar with a similar concept. "The Divine in me honors the Divine in you."

Ah, that's love for ya -- intense, complex, and wonderful. Affection, love, and devotion -- what would life be without these things?

So, remind me again -- why have I gone on that long intellectual expose on love? Oh yeah -- because I actually FEEL love! I feel a revolutionary love so powerful that I can barely stand it, and a revolutionary rage so deep that I can barely contain it.

But let's back up a second. What's rage?

I use the word in a very uncommon way. Anger is a complex feeling, just like love is. I also divide it into three categories that correspond with the ones above: anger, rage, and a third one that's hard to name. Disdain? Anyway, I'm more concerned with anger and rage today.

Anger is an emotion -- personal, sensual, impermanent. Basically, if someone has interferred with your pleasure, you get angry at them. Rage, on the other hand, is a relationship with a person or situation. You have love in your heart, and something is interfering with making that love a reality. Just as love-of-the-heart transcends affection, rage transcends anger. You're not just mad -- your heart is set on undoing the subject of your rage.

Now, I would like to differentiate between rage and hatred. In hatred, you take that rage and project it onto the outside world. "They are the ones who are responsible for taking my love from me. I will destroy them!" But it doesn't have to be that way! Instead, we can own our rage, and use it as a positive force for transformation. "This circumstance is interfering with the subject of my love, and I commit my heart and my life to undoing these terrible circumstances, hopefully to the benefit of all."

Okay... now we're coming to the punchline.

This is why the combination of Love and Rage is so powerful. If we simply Love, we may never have our revolution. We may look at all of the violent and oppressive people in the world, and we may find it in our hearts to forgive them for the harm they're doing. That's very important, but if we leave it at that, nothing but the content of our beautiful heart chagnes. If we simply Rage, then our hearts will be crippled with hatred. We will lose sight of the dream of a world where people actually going around not hating and hurting each other. Instead of seeing our opponents as tragic individuals who are caught up in their own forms of emotional/mental/spiritual illness, we will see them as evildoers who must be harmed as payback for the harm that they've done to us and our loved ones. If we do this, then how are we any different from them?

But, if we hold Love in one hand and Rage in the other, then we will truly have revolutionary hearts. We will Love others enough to truly care about them, and Rage enough to undo the harm that others are doing due to their lack of Love.

So, through Love and Rage, revolution becomes possible. But as I mentioned earlier, a truly revolutionary Love and a truly revolutionary Rage are pretty hard to explain to people.

In terms of Love, who would really believe me that I've chased the spectre of hatred from my heart? Who would understand how I can love so many people so deeply in so many unique and powerful ways? Who would trust that Love itself isn't just an illusion that I use to kid myself that life has some meaning?

In terms of Rage, who would really believe that a "mild-mannered" person like me is probably the most "angry" person that they know? [My family might believe me -- they remember my temper tantrums as a kid!] Who would understand the incomprehensible intensity that burns in my heart -- a raging fire that can only be quenched by the realization of my Love in my life and my world? Who would still Love me once they saw the depth and the power of my Rage?

So, basically, the whole point of this post is that I'm afraid that no one will understand the contents of my heart! But what else is new, eh? I used to suppress both my Love and my Rage because I was so afraid that no one would understand them -- that they were somehow inappropriate, not acceptable in the real world. In the past few years, I've come a long, long way in healing that attitude. I've embraced the contents of my heart -- but I still have a hard time sharing those contents with other people! This post is a start in that direction, much like many of my blog posts. But really, unless I spend more social time with friends and share all of this in a more personal way with them, it's all just going to scatter into the digital ether.

It's funny I should mention that. I made a conscious commitment this morning to spend more time on purely social activities rather than work or meetings. I'm still a bit mystified about how to do that exactly -- but the time is right, so I'm sure that I'll find my way there. In the meantime, I'm off to dreamland -- which, by the way, is also connected to all of this Love and Rage and revolution through the astral plane. Dreams take place on the astral, just as Love and Rage do. Long story there... but it'll have to wait for another day! In the meantime, pleasant dreams to you!

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