Friday, July 23, 2004
Keening
It just fully dawned on me tonight that there is one more big reason why Brighid is my matron deity -- namely, her status as the mother of keening.
I've had a hard time finding good mythological narratives about Brighid. A thousand books and websites make references to the goddess, but few actually tell the tales in narrative form. Even so, one account that keeps reappearing is the tale of Brighid's keening.
In one version of Brighid's life story, she is the wife of Bres, and the two have a son named Ruadan. When Ruadan is killed in battle, Brighid goes to the battlefield to mourn the loss of her son. Her soulful wailing was so powerful and moving that from that day forward, people practiced keening [loud wails of mourning] at the loss of a loved one.
For a long time now, I've felt that a part of my role in life on a good day is to bring hope and inspiration to others. I can feel the presence of the Divine in all beings, and I have a powerful vision for how we can live together in greater harmony. Having said that though, I feel that there is another side of my vision and my feelings that I've not only neglected, but actively repressed -- namely, my own sorrow.
Some of this repressed heartache shines through in my poetry. I often go into a place of deep sorrow or anger before reaching a climax that is in some way uplifting -- or at least less depressing than the rest of the poem! But even so, the climax tends to be the focus rather than sorrow. And up until recently, my poetry was just about my only way of really feeling such sorrow. It's hard to describe, really. In retrospect, I'd say that the only thing worse than feeling such sorrow turned out to be feeling a great big hole inside of myself that was haunted by the echoes of a keening withheld.
So, I am once again inspired by Brighid. This time, I'm inspired by her keening. I've come a long way in breaking the spell that I cast on myself in adolescence to eliminate my emotions. But happy emotions can only take me so far in my journey of healing. If I really want to feel the presence of love in my heart, then I must also embrace my sorrow.
I already started doing this during my time in the healing school. But now, Brighid is helping me to do this more fully. This sorrow is becoming a part of who I am just as much as the love and light that I've always focused on. That may sound depressing to some, but I feel that my willingness to open my heart to such deep sorrow is one of the truest signs of love. And I hope that one day, like Brighid, this growing ability to embrace my own genuine sadness will help me to bring comfort to others in their moments of sorrow.
1 comments
I've had a hard time finding good mythological narratives about Brighid. A thousand books and websites make references to the goddess, but few actually tell the tales in narrative form. Even so, one account that keeps reappearing is the tale of Brighid's keening.
In one version of Brighid's life story, she is the wife of Bres, and the two have a son named Ruadan. When Ruadan is killed in battle, Brighid goes to the battlefield to mourn the loss of her son. Her soulful wailing was so powerful and moving that from that day forward, people practiced keening [loud wails of mourning] at the loss of a loved one.
For a long time now, I've felt that a part of my role in life on a good day is to bring hope and inspiration to others. I can feel the presence of the Divine in all beings, and I have a powerful vision for how we can live together in greater harmony. Having said that though, I feel that there is another side of my vision and my feelings that I've not only neglected, but actively repressed -- namely, my own sorrow.
Some of this repressed heartache shines through in my poetry. I often go into a place of deep sorrow or anger before reaching a climax that is in some way uplifting -- or at least less depressing than the rest of the poem! But even so, the climax tends to be the focus rather than sorrow. And up until recently, my poetry was just about my only way of really feeling such sorrow. It's hard to describe, really. In retrospect, I'd say that the only thing worse than feeling such sorrow turned out to be feeling a great big hole inside of myself that was haunted by the echoes of a keening withheld.
So, I am once again inspired by Brighid. This time, I'm inspired by her keening. I've come a long way in breaking the spell that I cast on myself in adolescence to eliminate my emotions. But happy emotions can only take me so far in my journey of healing. If I really want to feel the presence of love in my heart, then I must also embrace my sorrow.
I already started doing this during my time in the healing school. But now, Brighid is helping me to do this more fully. This sorrow is becoming a part of who I am just as much as the love and light that I've always focused on. That may sound depressing to some, but I feel that my willingness to open my heart to such deep sorrow is one of the truest signs of love. And I hope that one day, like Brighid, this growing ability to embrace my own genuine sadness will help me to bring comfort to others in their moments of sorrow.
1 comments
Monday, July 19, 2004
Perseverance
It's hard to know what to say at this point.
My life is filled with so many "paradoxes" that I can hardly wrap my mind around it all. It's as though in order to find integration and healing, I need to experience my two extremes of bliss and torment at the same time! It's so hard to put into words, but I feel driven to do so, so here goes.
Releasing my past wounds has brought my heart so much more freedom and joy, but it's also brought me the capacity to deal with the most basic "attachments" or cravings that have haunted humanity throughout the ages. Can I eat an entire feast without satisfying my hunger, or do I feel full before I've even eaten my meal? Does the fear in my heart cause it to wither away whenever I'm not bathed in the affection of others, or does the love in my heart grant me the courage to love freely and fully without waiting to see how much support I'll receive in return? Basically, do I look to the outside world for strength and fulfillment in life, or do I look to the Divine within?
These are big questions. I'm not just thinking about them -- I'm EXPERIENCING them in every cell of my being. And I still haven't found all of my answers.
On the one hand, I feel very blessed. I've come a long way in life, and I've had my share of good fortune. I've found many sources of inspiration and fulfillment -- my activism, my spiritual life, my Coven, my friends, my family, and even my community on a good day. And yet, I still have so far to go, and feel at times like the journey simply grows more challenging with each step I take.
I feel like I've gone through several phases in life, each with a different attitude about my journey here on Earth.
First, there was my early childhood. I don't really remember this, so I don't have much to say about it right now.
Then, there were the years from childhood to adolescence. I don't remember this part of my life clearly. I had plenty of happy, wonderful, playful moments like most children with a fairly decent life do. However, I was also frustrated -- temper tantrums at home, trouble at school, a lot of anger at the world that I don't fully understand in retrospect. And yet, I was still "in my body" and "in the world." When I got angry, I threw a temper tantrum; when I was sad, I cried; when I didn't like something, I wanted to change it. I'm sure that I did my share of retreating into fantasy and holding back some of my feelings, but nothing like what I would do later. I wasn't quite at home here on Earth, but I wasn't actively rejecting life here either. I was just disgruntled.
By the time I hit adolescence, all of that changed. My inner life just kept getting worse and worse, and I wasn't prepared to live with it anymore. I made a conscious choice to crush my emotions. Somewhere, in some forgotten part of my soul, my feelings still burned -- but I used every ounce of my will to hold it all back. Eventually, it occured to me that the only true escape from these terrible feelings was death -- and that I had the power to make that happen. Luckily, for various reasons, that didn't happen. But still, I would characterize this time in my life as my retreat from life on Earth. If I'd have had just one more ounce of courage at the wrong moment, I wouldn't be here today.
Then, I turned outward in search of the roots of my pain. That's when things REALLY got nutty! I discovered the hidden history of humanity -- the senseless violence, domination, suffering, destruction, and so on. I began empathizing with other people who were suffering far more than I was, and I began thinking that the only way that I could feel safe in my emotions was to save the entire world from this incredible mass of suffering! I didn't put it into so many words, but I definitely felt it. If only I could create a utopia, it would be safe for me to have emotions and be comfortable in my own skin. Fun, eh? This time was a mixed blessing. It brought back my passion for life, and it brought me so many joys -- from ecological consciousness to the joy of helping others. And yet, it couldn't heal me fully because it left me with such a terrible burden on my shoulders. You might call these my days of life through self-sacrifice -- feeling that sure, I do want to live, but only if I devote the fullness of my being to creating the sort of world that I [and other] people could really feel safe in.
I feel like once I made that choice, I experienced a big, long period of "grace." So-called coincidences lead me to all of the people and places that would teach me more about my life's journey. I was still anxious and plagued with thoughts of leaving this world, but the grace of the Divine kept me here, even in moments when I could have easily gotten my head bashed in or otherwise been ruined beyond recognition. I feel like this culminated in a year of studies over at the healing school, which was a moment of both incredible joy and powerful transformation. Basically, it helped me to decide to live here in the now rather than in some future utopia.
This brings us to the current phase of life, which I feel has only come into full force just recently. So I want to live here on Earth, eh? Well then, it's time for me to LIVE! No more living in a holding pattern overhead waiting for my dreams of utopia to materialize underfoot. It's time to touch down on firm ground, no matter how rough the landing. No more drifting along on the fumes of fear and the winds of grace! It's time to be assertive -- to create a life for myself in the here and now -- a life that plants the roots of the best of my service to others in a firm foundation of personal empowerment.
So, that's where I'm at. I'm afraid it really has been a crash landing from a financial perspective. Basically, my finances are in ruins right now, and I don't think that I can do much at this point to make things better. But the flames that are burning all around me aren't flames of destruction -- they're flames of REBIRTH. And like the phoenix, I am ready to rise from the ashes. Even though my rebirth won't be complete in time to save me from a few unfortunate consequences, I've secured a new source of income that will help me to get out of debt. I've also completed the first full draft of my first full-length book, a project which I have high hopes for. Really, the life that is being burned away right now was just an illusion -- a dry, bitter shell that was only serving to suffocate the forgotten spark of life within. The life that is emerging from the ashes is the life that I've been waiting for -- a revolutionary life of great personal empowermentand my own reasonable role in support of the creation of better communities and societies.
This has been a long, long, entry, and I've got to get up early for work in the morning. Let me leave with these parting words. Whatever the coming weeks hold in store for me, I will persevere. Why? Because I've felt the joy of my life and the joy of this world. I still have my share of fear, but my love is stronger than my fear. No matter what it takes, I intend to stick around here for as long as possible to share ground my life deeply in this love and share it with my loved ones and all the world.
Oh, and one more thing -- I'm sure that I have Brighid to thank in part for the fire imagery and energy in my life. It's tough love, but much needed! And I get the feeling that soon enough, once the flames have burned away the last of my shell of illusion, I'll be drinking from her healing springs...
0 comments
My life is filled with so many "paradoxes" that I can hardly wrap my mind around it all. It's as though in order to find integration and healing, I need to experience my two extremes of bliss and torment at the same time! It's so hard to put into words, but I feel driven to do so, so here goes.
Releasing my past wounds has brought my heart so much more freedom and joy, but it's also brought me the capacity to deal with the most basic "attachments" or cravings that have haunted humanity throughout the ages. Can I eat an entire feast without satisfying my hunger, or do I feel full before I've even eaten my meal? Does the fear in my heart cause it to wither away whenever I'm not bathed in the affection of others, or does the love in my heart grant me the courage to love freely and fully without waiting to see how much support I'll receive in return? Basically, do I look to the outside world for strength and fulfillment in life, or do I look to the Divine within?
These are big questions. I'm not just thinking about them -- I'm EXPERIENCING them in every cell of my being. And I still haven't found all of my answers.
On the one hand, I feel very blessed. I've come a long way in life, and I've had my share of good fortune. I've found many sources of inspiration and fulfillment -- my activism, my spiritual life, my Coven, my friends, my family, and even my community on a good day. And yet, I still have so far to go, and feel at times like the journey simply grows more challenging with each step I take.
I feel like I've gone through several phases in life, each with a different attitude about my journey here on Earth.
First, there was my early childhood. I don't really remember this, so I don't have much to say about it right now.
Then, there were the years from childhood to adolescence. I don't remember this part of my life clearly. I had plenty of happy, wonderful, playful moments like most children with a fairly decent life do. However, I was also frustrated -- temper tantrums at home, trouble at school, a lot of anger at the world that I don't fully understand in retrospect. And yet, I was still "in my body" and "in the world." When I got angry, I threw a temper tantrum; when I was sad, I cried; when I didn't like something, I wanted to change it. I'm sure that I did my share of retreating into fantasy and holding back some of my feelings, but nothing like what I would do later. I wasn't quite at home here on Earth, but I wasn't actively rejecting life here either. I was just disgruntled.
By the time I hit adolescence, all of that changed. My inner life just kept getting worse and worse, and I wasn't prepared to live with it anymore. I made a conscious choice to crush my emotions. Somewhere, in some forgotten part of my soul, my feelings still burned -- but I used every ounce of my will to hold it all back. Eventually, it occured to me that the only true escape from these terrible feelings was death -- and that I had the power to make that happen. Luckily, for various reasons, that didn't happen. But still, I would characterize this time in my life as my retreat from life on Earth. If I'd have had just one more ounce of courage at the wrong moment, I wouldn't be here today.
Then, I turned outward in search of the roots of my pain. That's when things REALLY got nutty! I discovered the hidden history of humanity -- the senseless violence, domination, suffering, destruction, and so on. I began empathizing with other people who were suffering far more than I was, and I began thinking that the only way that I could feel safe in my emotions was to save the entire world from this incredible mass of suffering! I didn't put it into so many words, but I definitely felt it. If only I could create a utopia, it would be safe for me to have emotions and be comfortable in my own skin. Fun, eh? This time was a mixed blessing. It brought back my passion for life, and it brought me so many joys -- from ecological consciousness to the joy of helping others. And yet, it couldn't heal me fully because it left me with such a terrible burden on my shoulders. You might call these my days of life through self-sacrifice -- feeling that sure, I do want to live, but only if I devote the fullness of my being to creating the sort of world that I [and other] people could really feel safe in.
I feel like once I made that choice, I experienced a big, long period of "grace." So-called coincidences lead me to all of the people and places that would teach me more about my life's journey. I was still anxious and plagued with thoughts of leaving this world, but the grace of the Divine kept me here, even in moments when I could have easily gotten my head bashed in or otherwise been ruined beyond recognition. I feel like this culminated in a year of studies over at the healing school, which was a moment of both incredible joy and powerful transformation. Basically, it helped me to decide to live here in the now rather than in some future utopia.
This brings us to the current phase of life, which I feel has only come into full force just recently. So I want to live here on Earth, eh? Well then, it's time for me to LIVE! No more living in a holding pattern overhead waiting for my dreams of utopia to materialize underfoot. It's time to touch down on firm ground, no matter how rough the landing. No more drifting along on the fumes of fear and the winds of grace! It's time to be assertive -- to create a life for myself in the here and now -- a life that plants the roots of the best of my service to others in a firm foundation of personal empowerment.
So, that's where I'm at. I'm afraid it really has been a crash landing from a financial perspective. Basically, my finances are in ruins right now, and I don't think that I can do much at this point to make things better. But the flames that are burning all around me aren't flames of destruction -- they're flames of REBIRTH. And like the phoenix, I am ready to rise from the ashes. Even though my rebirth won't be complete in time to save me from a few unfortunate consequences, I've secured a new source of income that will help me to get out of debt. I've also completed the first full draft of my first full-length book, a project which I have high hopes for. Really, the life that is being burned away right now was just an illusion -- a dry, bitter shell that was only serving to suffocate the forgotten spark of life within. The life that is emerging from the ashes is the life that I've been waiting for -- a revolutionary life of great personal empowermentand my own reasonable role in support of the creation of better communities and societies.
This has been a long, long, entry, and I've got to get up early for work in the morning. Let me leave with these parting words. Whatever the coming weeks hold in store for me, I will persevere. Why? Because I've felt the joy of my life and the joy of this world. I still have my share of fear, but my love is stronger than my fear. No matter what it takes, I intend to stick around here for as long as possible to share ground my life deeply in this love and share it with my loved ones and all the world.
Oh, and one more thing -- I'm sure that I have Brighid to thank in part for the fire imagery and energy in my life. It's tough love, but much needed! And I get the feeling that soon enough, once the flames have burned away the last of my shell of illusion, I'll be drinking from her healing springs...
0 comments
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Have a Heart
I recently had one of those conversations with a friend that would make any sane person want to jump off of a bridge. He was the one experiencing the moment of existential crisis, but somehow it felt like everything that he was saying had been on the tip of my tongue too. The only difference is that his heartache had given him the courage to say it! What we shared is between him and me, but the general gist of what I got out of the conversation is this:
"Is this all there is? The world is really screwed up, and having a heart in a world such as this is just a liability. What's the point in caring when that love of others and love of life will simply be a source of pain, with little or no hope of finding our way to anything better?"
So, yeah. Needless to say, it was a rough night! And yet, it was a very necessary night for me, because it allowed me to give voice to some of my own heartache rather than using a false Pollyanna positivity to deny my true feelings.
At the time, that was about all that I could do for my friend and myself -- be there with the pain rather than trying to fix it. My wheels kept spinning, trying to solve both his problems and mine, but ultimately I just resigned myself to the fact that whatever the future may hold, the present was a time for a heartache so deep that it was reduced to a hollow numbness.
Now that I've had a few nights to sleep on it, however, I feel that I can go a few steps further.
On the one hand, that feeling is still there in a part of my heart. It's odd, really. For whatever reasons, I've been very blessed on a personal level, relatively speaking. I'm not starving, I'm not being hacked to pieces in some genocidal war, and I've even got a lot of wonderful loved ones to share my journey with. But I've connected empathically with so much suffering that my very soul has been twisted by it. So, a part of me really does just feel hollow and numb, resigned to the belief that the world is a place of eternal damnation that will never be safe for my heart. I will never find success in the work that's closest to my heart, never find a lover to share my heart with, and never create anything even mildly resembling the sorts of utopian communities that I envision in my heartscape.
On the other hand, another part of my heart is forever free, forever defiant of any external restraints or circumstance. I've spent the past few years reclaiming my heart from the cold, dead prison that I locked it away in so many years ago. My heart is now FREE -- and I embrace it fully! I will be true to my life's work, even if everyone else sees me as a dismal failure. I will love whoever I want, however I want, even if I never again know the warm hug of a friend or the hot touch of lover. I will sustain my vision for a better world and take action in pursuit of it, even if the whole world descends into a state of eternal soulless fascism. Of course, I carry in my heart great hope that none of these terrible things will come to pass -- but damnit, even if they do, my heart will still be free!
That's one of the beautiful things about the heart. Even in the face of infinite opposition in the manifest world, we can carry infinite love in our hearts. The manifest world is a place of co-creation, meaning that what I can or can't do here is dependent in part on the choices of those around me. But my heart is mine alone -- a heartscape that I can either expand infinitely through love and hope or contract completely out of fear and despair.
Who knows what tomorrow may bring -- but today, I choose love. And because of that, today is a good day in my heart. On that note, here's to the hope that tomorrow will be a good day for the world.
0 comments
"Is this all there is? The world is really screwed up, and having a heart in a world such as this is just a liability. What's the point in caring when that love of others and love of life will simply be a source of pain, with little or no hope of finding our way to anything better?"
So, yeah. Needless to say, it was a rough night! And yet, it was a very necessary night for me, because it allowed me to give voice to some of my own heartache rather than using a false Pollyanna positivity to deny my true feelings.
At the time, that was about all that I could do for my friend and myself -- be there with the pain rather than trying to fix it. My wheels kept spinning, trying to solve both his problems and mine, but ultimately I just resigned myself to the fact that whatever the future may hold, the present was a time for a heartache so deep that it was reduced to a hollow numbness.
Now that I've had a few nights to sleep on it, however, I feel that I can go a few steps further.
On the one hand, that feeling is still there in a part of my heart. It's odd, really. For whatever reasons, I've been very blessed on a personal level, relatively speaking. I'm not starving, I'm not being hacked to pieces in some genocidal war, and I've even got a lot of wonderful loved ones to share my journey with. But I've connected empathically with so much suffering that my very soul has been twisted by it. So, a part of me really does just feel hollow and numb, resigned to the belief that the world is a place of eternal damnation that will never be safe for my heart. I will never find success in the work that's closest to my heart, never find a lover to share my heart with, and never create anything even mildly resembling the sorts of utopian communities that I envision in my heartscape.
On the other hand, another part of my heart is forever free, forever defiant of any external restraints or circumstance. I've spent the past few years reclaiming my heart from the cold, dead prison that I locked it away in so many years ago. My heart is now FREE -- and I embrace it fully! I will be true to my life's work, even if everyone else sees me as a dismal failure. I will love whoever I want, however I want, even if I never again know the warm hug of a friend or the hot touch of lover. I will sustain my vision for a better world and take action in pursuit of it, even if the whole world descends into a state of eternal soulless fascism. Of course, I carry in my heart great hope that none of these terrible things will come to pass -- but damnit, even if they do, my heart will still be free!
That's one of the beautiful things about the heart. Even in the face of infinite opposition in the manifest world, we can carry infinite love in our hearts. The manifest world is a place of co-creation, meaning that what I can or can't do here is dependent in part on the choices of those around me. But my heart is mine alone -- a heartscape that I can either expand infinitely through love and hope or contract completely out of fear and despair.
Who knows what tomorrow may bring -- but today, I choose love. And because of that, today is a good day in my heart. On that note, here's to the hope that tomorrow will be a good day for the world.
0 comments
Thursday, July 08, 2004
The Rebel
I did a Tarot reading for myself today, and one of the cards that came up was what my Osho Zen deck calls "The Rebel." For you Tarot fans out there, this card is related to IV -- "The Emperor" -- in the Major Arcana of most decks.
Much of the symbolism of the Rebel is similar to that of the Emperor. It's a card of attainment, leadership, confidence, and creative power in the world. However, unlike the Emperor, the Rebel is not a ruler over others. His power is an internal strength that breaks all chains of social conventions and expectations. He is truly free and truly successful because he understands himself and acts in accordance with his true nature, regardless of outward constraints and circumstances.
This card appeared in the spread in a position that indicated the inner influences on my situation that I'm not currently aware of. As soon as I saw it there, I was quite pleasantly surprised! I've been feeling rather disempowered and uncertain lately due to personal circumstances that seemed completely beyond my control. But this card was a reminder of the inner strength that will grant me success and freedom in life regardless of my circumstances.
I had almost forgotten that I had it in me! And even though I'm facing some very real challenges at the moment, this reading reminded me that I have the strength within me to find success in life. All that I need is to reclaim my confidence and apply it! I'd already started doing that before today, but this reading continued to shift my focus from fear to empowerment.
There's no need to fear -- the Rebel is here! And just in time for the upcoming release of Revolution of One, eh?
0 comments
Much of the symbolism of the Rebel is similar to that of the Emperor. It's a card of attainment, leadership, confidence, and creative power in the world. However, unlike the Emperor, the Rebel is not a ruler over others. His power is an internal strength that breaks all chains of social conventions and expectations. He is truly free and truly successful because he understands himself and acts in accordance with his true nature, regardless of outward constraints and circumstances.
This card appeared in the spread in a position that indicated the inner influences on my situation that I'm not currently aware of. As soon as I saw it there, I was quite pleasantly surprised! I've been feeling rather disempowered and uncertain lately due to personal circumstances that seemed completely beyond my control. But this card was a reminder of the inner strength that will grant me success and freedom in life regardless of my circumstances.
I had almost forgotten that I had it in me! And even though I'm facing some very real challenges at the moment, this reading reminded me that I have the strength within me to find success in life. All that I need is to reclaim my confidence and apply it! I'd already started doing that before today, but this reading continued to shift my focus from fear to empowerment.
There's no need to fear -- the Rebel is here! And just in time for the upcoming release of Revolution of One, eh?
0 comments
Sunday, July 04, 2004
Rainbow Connection
I've been meandering in and out of a stressful funk lately due in large part to negative developments in my financial situation. [Literally negative -- take a look at my checkbook!] I was feeling this way yesterday as I ran the usual weekend errands of laundry and shopping. Writing poetry helped me to get my emotions flowing, but once that positive experience was over, those emotions sank into a sort of burning defiance. "So life sucks, eh? Well, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I love lemonade! And I've got a fire in my belly that none of your petty attacks can touch, so you can kiss my @$$."
So, yeah -- it was much better than depression, but not as fun as my usual happy-go-lucky spirit. I thought about going to watch Spider Man 2 in an effort to cheer myself up, then realized that it'd be pretty irresponsible of me to spend $6.75 on a cheesy superhero movie when my financial future is uncertain.
Of course, since I was in such a defiant mood, that thought settled the matter - I simply HAD to go see it!
At first, as I walked along the tracks to the north side of town, I was mystified by this decision. What the hell was I thinking? That same money could buy me a decent day's worth of food. But hey, it felt good -- an odd mix of defiant denial and deep trust that everything would be alright somehow.
As it turns out, it was worth it. The movie itself was really refreshing -- watching Spider Man deal with some of the same issues around poverty and inner turmoil that I was going through myself. Of course, the big screen version was more cartoonish, but hey -- it's a movie about a comic book hero. I went into it expecting as much, and thus was able to enjoy the movie quite thoroughly. I found it very emotionally satisfying.
But... BUT... the more important story took place before I even made it to the theatre.
So there I was, sauntering across town with a hollow fire in my belly, taking what satisfaction I could from my sense of defiance as I walked across town completely free of the burden of any of the problems in my life. I had finished heading north and started the trip east out to the movie theatre, when suddenly I looked up in the sky.
There, off in the east, was a double rainbow!
The double rainbow covered over half of the sky, and the lower band was quite possibly the brightest and most colorful rainbow I've ever seen. As I saw this beautiful sight, a tremendous feeling of relief came over me, so much so that I hardly knew what to do with myself. I couldn't even put it into words at first, but immediately, intuitively, I knew what it meant.
Everything is going to be okay. Everything already IS okay. I am not alone, and the beauty of the Divine is shining through me at this very moment.
It's hard to even explain the many layers of significance of this to me. As a child, I used to draw rainbows all of the time. Seeing this rainbow reminded me of those days of my youth. When I was off in Idaho, I saw a rainbow twice to reassure met that I was on the right path. I felt like yesterday's rainbow was a similar assurance -- that even though this may be a time of tears, the light shining through the tears would produce a beautiful rainbow, a bridge to a time of light and hope.
This left me contemplating the symbolism of the rainbow itself. Rainbows are a mixture of water and light. Water is an element that symbolizes emotion, love, wisdom, relatedness, flow. Sunshine symbolizes spirit, the light of our soul. A rainbow, then, is an example of the light of our soul shining into the world through the vessel of our emotions and relatedness. As I thought of this, I felt very touched, almost to the point of tears. I prayed then and there that I might strengthen my own relationship with the element of water, and thus transform myself into a rainbow, shining the light of all of the colors through the core of my being and into the world around me.
So, yeah -- seeing that rainbow was a powerful experience. As I continued walking east to the theatre, I kept my eyes on the sky as much as safety would allow. [No need to walk in front of cars, eh?] I felt the presence of the Divine all around me, and I knew that even though I have no clue of the details at this moment, everything will be all right. The rainbow stayed in the sky for a good long while, then faded slowly from sight just as I reached my destination.
Of course, seeing this rainbow didn't have any direct impact on the outward circumstances of my life. But it did help me to transform my inner attitude on those circumstances -- and that can make all of the difference.
0 comments
So, yeah -- it was much better than depression, but not as fun as my usual happy-go-lucky spirit. I thought about going to watch Spider Man 2 in an effort to cheer myself up, then realized that it'd be pretty irresponsible of me to spend $6.75 on a cheesy superhero movie when my financial future is uncertain.
Of course, since I was in such a defiant mood, that thought settled the matter - I simply HAD to go see it!
At first, as I walked along the tracks to the north side of town, I was mystified by this decision. What the hell was I thinking? That same money could buy me a decent day's worth of food. But hey, it felt good -- an odd mix of defiant denial and deep trust that everything would be alright somehow.
As it turns out, it was worth it. The movie itself was really refreshing -- watching Spider Man deal with some of the same issues around poverty and inner turmoil that I was going through myself. Of course, the big screen version was more cartoonish, but hey -- it's a movie about a comic book hero. I went into it expecting as much, and thus was able to enjoy the movie quite thoroughly. I found it very emotionally satisfying.
But... BUT... the more important story took place before I even made it to the theatre.
So there I was, sauntering across town with a hollow fire in my belly, taking what satisfaction I could from my sense of defiance as I walked across town completely free of the burden of any of the problems in my life. I had finished heading north and started the trip east out to the movie theatre, when suddenly I looked up in the sky.
There, off in the east, was a double rainbow!
The double rainbow covered over half of the sky, and the lower band was quite possibly the brightest and most colorful rainbow I've ever seen. As I saw this beautiful sight, a tremendous feeling of relief came over me, so much so that I hardly knew what to do with myself. I couldn't even put it into words at first, but immediately, intuitively, I knew what it meant.
Everything is going to be okay. Everything already IS okay. I am not alone, and the beauty of the Divine is shining through me at this very moment.
It's hard to even explain the many layers of significance of this to me. As a child, I used to draw rainbows all of the time. Seeing this rainbow reminded me of those days of my youth. When I was off in Idaho, I saw a rainbow twice to reassure met that I was on the right path. I felt like yesterday's rainbow was a similar assurance -- that even though this may be a time of tears, the light shining through the tears would produce a beautiful rainbow, a bridge to a time of light and hope.
This left me contemplating the symbolism of the rainbow itself. Rainbows are a mixture of water and light. Water is an element that symbolizes emotion, love, wisdom, relatedness, flow. Sunshine symbolizes spirit, the light of our soul. A rainbow, then, is an example of the light of our soul shining into the world through the vessel of our emotions and relatedness. As I thought of this, I felt very touched, almost to the point of tears. I prayed then and there that I might strengthen my own relationship with the element of water, and thus transform myself into a rainbow, shining the light of all of the colors through the core of my being and into the world around me.
So, yeah -- seeing that rainbow was a powerful experience. As I continued walking east to the theatre, I kept my eyes on the sky as much as safety would allow. [No need to walk in front of cars, eh?] I felt the presence of the Divine all around me, and I knew that even though I have no clue of the details at this moment, everything will be all right. The rainbow stayed in the sky for a good long while, then faded slowly from sight just as I reached my destination.
Of course, seeing this rainbow didn't have any direct impact on the outward circumstances of my life. But it did help me to transform my inner attitude on those circumstances -- and that can make all of the difference.
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